So Much To Say

It's 11:54 on a Tuesday night and I'm writing a blog entry because I can't sleep. It's been a rough few days in the Lew household. I know this blog is meant to be about Jackson, and this will mention him in a way, but really...this post won't be. We lost Jackson's Great Grandma Dot very early Monday morning. She was my last grandparent. My Grandma was very cool. She came out to Colorado for a wedding shower my friend CJ gave for me in 2005 and she had just suffered a fall and had a black eye and wasn't happy about it. She came to the shower and had an awesome time. And all my friends at one time or another who attended that shower agreed that "your Grandma is so cool" which is not a thing one expects to hear really. With my Grandma living in Chicago, it wasn't as though a plethora of my friends had ever really met her at any point in my life.

I had the total out of town Grandma experiences that will forever loom large when I reflect on my childhood. Each summer, that was what we did. We visited Chicago to see Grandma and our uncles, and we visited Wisconsin to visit all the aunts, uncles, cousins and Omi. When we were in Chicago, we were at the green house on Bennett Avenue and played at the park on the corner of Bennett and Simpson. We got to know Grandma's friends the Bannermans, Mrs. Persons, Mrs. Keem and Lu. The highlight was always, ALWAYS the 4th of July at Lincolnwood School where my mom used to attend school as a kid. I loved the races there...it was like getting another field day, which to me was a very big deal. Then we would walk down to Central Street and watch the parade before going back to Grandma's and getting cleaned up to go to Westmoreland for the picnic. You remember things like getting the variety pack of cereal at Grandma's when all you got at home were Corn Flakes, Cheerios and Rice Krispies. At Grandma's we got to have Corn Pops and Froot Loops and Frosted Flakes! We got to go to the dime store and get a toy to play with during our visit! Uncles would take us to the Cubs game, and we'd borrow the Altschul's beach tokens to visit Lake Michigan at Lighthouse Beach. Then there are more recent memories, some of which suck. Grandma had a great time at Jason and I's wedding which was wonderful. Not so awesome when she tripped over a stair at my parents house and broke her hip. The only upside to this was that Grandma was stuck in Colorado with us, which meant we got to spend a lot of time with her. So that was an upside if there could be one. She would look out the window and tell us how she couldn't believe that we had blue sky everyday...she had no idea it was like that here.

One of the most recent memories I have of her was when I called her to tell her that I was pregnant. Jason and I were actually at the airport flying to San Antonio for my college reunion and I was 12 weeks basically that day. So I called and told her and she was so excited. Once she got the initial congratulations out of her, the first thing she really said was, "What does your mother think about this?" Which isn't funny to anyone but me and Grandma because I knew exactly why she asked me that. Going to her 90th birthday party last January and meeting all her friends again was a wonderful time. When my brother got home from that he got engaged. Which was fantastic for many reasons, not the least of which is that it meant Grandma was going to roll the dice on another trip to Colorado. Which I'm very grateful for, because it meant that she got to meet Jackson. That was a big deal to me, and if it hadn't happened then I hope it would have happened in the time since before Monday. I sent her literally hundreds of photos of Jackson, and thanks to Uncle Paul she got to see videos of Jackson in action on Easter. Which is more timing I am thankful for.

My way of dealing with any situation that I am uncomfortable in is with a self-depricating joke. It's automatic. If I don't like it, I will make light of it. I now know where this comes from and is a quality I appreciate having. It has traveled from Grandma to my mom to me. I find myself doing certain things that I am sure were things that she did.

When the phone rang on Monday morning I was in the shower. I was in the shower much earlier than I usually am in an effort to get the house empty of Lews in a faster manner. So I knew why the phone was ringing and who it was before Jason even answered it. I heard it ring once and turned off the water, threw a towel on my head and put my robe on and dripped down to the kitchen to get the phone from Jason. I already knew it was my mom and I knew why she was calling. It wasn't a phone call I expected to get yet. I thought we had more time.

But I am thankful for the time we did have. Grateful. We've had a heads up on this for a couple of months. I think the worst thing doctors can say is "at any time" because what does that mean even? At any time could be today at lunch or in 3 years. But the upside to the worst thing they can say is that it sure motivates everyone. I talked to my Grandma a lot lately, but I'm furious that my last chat with her was on Easter and that it was as brief as it was. My mom talked to her on Sunday night and gave me a recap and I decided I was going to call her the next day. I didn't get a chance...my mom called me first. The services start on Thursday and we'll take on the task of saying goodbye but really I am thinking of it more like a salute to Grandma. I'm very sad, but I'm very glad that I will have Jason and Jackson with me. It's not the occasion we had in mind for Jackson's first time on a plane. He is Dot's first great-grandchild and I'm glad he will be there to participate.